i jhust puked up my retainher.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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