Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
