If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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