im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
