two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
