why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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