Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
