her vagine was all disorganized.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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