I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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