Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
