I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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