I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
