The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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