Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You made out with two different species that night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
