Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
