Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
