JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize