Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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