im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
