So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
