Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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