Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
