He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.