yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.