You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
