Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everyone says I win the strip club
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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