the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
