I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
