Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
