In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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