I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
