Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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