I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
