census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You're like the curious george of whores
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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