She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
