you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
