I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
