god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
