She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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