i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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