they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
