remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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