I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
