I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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