Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
