I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
