Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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