I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
