not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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