I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
