I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
she was concerned about my dick piercings.