omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Randomize
