lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
