He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
