"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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