Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
