i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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