then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
