She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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