If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
