she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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