I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I pour the whiskey from now on
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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