Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
